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Guys without Game: Advice from a Wingwoman

Enhanced Connections on June 17, 2016.

Lately, I find myself contemplating staging an actual formal dating “intervention” for many of my single, apparently clueless – male friends. These are not losers – these are good looking, eligible, educated, 40 something guys with solid jobs. Many have been married before, have children, and have dated for years. In all areas of their life they are successful: except with women. I go to bars with them, I travel with them, I listen to them, I fix them up, I watch them meet people, I watch them date….And year after year I watch them…continue the cycle…

This is an actual texting conversation I had this morning, with a very good guy friend who has been out 2 times with a mutual friend of ours:

ME: When are you seeing Katy again? (Today is Tuesday)

HIM: Not sure, I asked her out for Saturday night, but she may be going to New York

ME: When is she supposed to let you know?

HIM: No time set ME:

I know you didn’t ask, but it’s a holiday weekend coming up, as well as a Saturday night – you need to nicely tell her that you need to know by Wednesday latest, as you are firming up your weekend plans.

HIM: Well, I just asked her last night. She was already making plans before I asked her (On a Monday night??? Didn’t even wait to see if he asked her out again…)

ME: If I were you, I would make other plans. I just got a text from Judy, who said Katy already texted her – looking for stuff to do this upcoming weekend. If she really liked you, she would not be looking for other things to do on an upcoming holiday weekend. You really need to back off. (Judy and I proceed to text and she responds that she agrees with me 100%. She agrees he seemingly is unsuccessful with women and just isn’t getting it.)

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS WISHY-WASHY! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS ‘UNSURE’ OR ‘BUSY’

Why is this such a hard concept? Why do some men really believe that women who they meet [even on an actual dating site, who are by definition on there looking for a man] “suddenly” are too busy with their kids and work (after already finding time for 2 or 3 dates) to go out again? There is no woman on Earth who will text a friend on a Monday – after going out with a guy she’s nuts about – and start initiating weekend plans that will make her unavailable to see him! I knew one man who for MONTHS, only saw a girl once a week for lunch. She was ‘very busy’ with work. Never available on weekends. Another, only saw a girl twice in 2 months, she liked him so much, she was ‘afraid’ to see him too much. Wanted to take things slow… I mean, are you kidding me? I have heard the same story, different guys, different girls for years now.

I was brought up by a Mom from the 1950’s:

“IF THEY LIKE YOU THEY WANT TO SEE YOU IN PERSON. IF THEY LIKE YOU THEY MAKE TIME FOR YOU.”

– my mother, to me at age 13

Although I am an independent woman with a pretty big mouth, I have always been very “1950’s” when it comes to dating. While I do not look conservative on the outside, I am in fact very traditional on the inside. And while I am college-educated, I am far from a rocket scientist. But, it takes nothing more than just looking around and actually observing rare, successful relationships to see the truth: A woman chasing after a man never ends well A man chasing after a woman never ends well So, what ends well? A man and woman meeting in person and: A: The man knows what the hell he’s doing when HE follows up and pursues (*not chases, there is a difference) – with calls, texts and initiating dates. B: The man is able to accurately read signals the woman gives, both in person and in her subsequent phone or text communications The end.

This is sometimes referred to as ‘Game’ And I have read numerous articles that talk about how hopeless it is to try and teach this. While that may be true in a man-to-man scenario, I strongly disagree. I believe there is an absolute difference when a woman approaches a man about this. I believe behaviors can change and insight can be gleaned. Many of these men are rusty after years of marriage, and never even had experience dating women who had kids and busy lives – as the last time they dated, all parties were in their 20’s! The reason a woman may be able to ‘teach game’ to a man, is precisely because a woman is a woman! A woman talks to and understands other women. A woman has unique insight. A woman is not another man, potentially in competition for dates. A woman- a wing-woman- comes from a place of true caring and friendship. It’s often these very men – the ‘clueless’ men – who are the best men. They are so deferential and understanding, they give way too much leeway and understanding to the women they date. They are overly generous with nice dinners, and making a real effort to connect and plan dates. What they just don’t understand – and what they can learn from a woman is: Just be yourself

(confidence is sexy) Take your time to gage the woman’s true interest in you before committing to a weekend night or a fancy dinner (you are not being cheap, you are being careful).

If a woman is ‘too busy’ or cannot commit to a next date – back off immediately (no woman is ever too busy to see someone they like).

Not interested physically = Not interested (women are not ‘shy’, sorry)

The biggest disconnect seems to be that men have difficulty understanding why a woman would text back, or even continue to intermittently see them, if they aren’t interested. (most women are uncomfortable saying ‘no’ or saying they are not interested. So they will be busy, string you along, maybe even plan and cancel, and hope you get the hint. It’s a very rare woman who will verbally state “I do not want to see you again”. ) So, just follow the above advice, and you just got yourself some Game!

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